Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
