tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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