Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
the raccoons are back...
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