my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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