Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
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Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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