Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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