Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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