My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
