I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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