Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
