sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
