No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
