apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
