I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
