he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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