quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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