dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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