Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
