He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
