God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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