so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
