did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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