For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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