The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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