I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
