Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
