i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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