Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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