well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
