Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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