they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
