I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
