You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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