I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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