Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
