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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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