Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
