I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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