The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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