I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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