For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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