Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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