she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall