I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
