U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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