mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
