I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
