I think I won the penis lottery.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
