tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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