I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
