He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
