It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
