I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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