summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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