did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i dont even know how to be here
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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