I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
