please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
