I accidentally had phone sex last night
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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