Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
