i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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